ORDER OF THE PEACOCK ANGEL
House of Apostles of Eris
(V) Safeguard this letter; it is an important historical document.
() Burn after reading-subversive literature.
() Ignore and continue what you were doing before opening this.
Dear (V) Sir () Madam () Fido():
It has recently come to Our ears that you, in your official capacity as principal of Aaron Burr High School, said in a public meeting, with your bare face hanging out, that death by napalm is "really no more painful than a bad cold" and that Orientals have "tougher epidermi than whites and feel less acutely."
In Our official capacity as High Priest of the Head temple of the House of Apostles of Eris, We congratulate you for helping to restore American education to its rightful position as the envy and despair of all other (and, hence, lesser) educational systems.
You are hereby appointed a five-star General in the Bureau of the Division of the Department of the Order of the Knights of the Five-Sided Castle, Quixote Cabal, with full authority to shrapnel your friends and bomb your neighbors.
If you have any answers, We will be glad to provide full and detailed questions.
In the Name of La Mancha,
Theophobia the Elder, M.C.P. High Priest, Head temple