66

I HAD TO hand it to whoever was running things: They’d learned to take regular humans out of the equation. We’d always beaten them, confused them, gotten through them somehow. Which was why we were left withBoxBoy, the Incredible Humorless Hulk, and a bunch of Transformer-bots.

With a slight electronic crackle, the wall of TV screens came to life. One by one, their screen snow was replaced by a person. There were both men and women, in all kinds of settings. The one thing they had in common was that they all oozed power like radiation. Clearly they were looking at screens of their own- I saw their eyes dart around, linger for just a second on the UD with a hint of distaste, then fasten on us.

I looked at the UD. “What, eBay isn’t good enough for us?”

If anyone had been familiar with the evil smile onIggy’s face, they would have questioned the decision to put us on camera. But oh well. Live and learn, is what I say.

“Here are the objects available for auction.” TheUD’s voice was surprisingly strong and commanding. “They are in decent shape, though one is damaged.”

That would be Angel’s broken arm. I got mad all over again.

“Do they have any… liabilities?” A woman with dark hair and eyes, wearing a severe navy suit, spoke first.

“Besides our woeful fashion sense?” I asked before the UD could respond.

Every face on the screens looked surprised. No one was expecting us to talk.

“Our lack of commitment to personal hygiene?”

“You will be silent!” the UD hissed at me. But sinceGozen stayed where he was, I didn’t take him seriously.

I raised my eyebrows, looking directly at the faces on the screens. “I guess it depends on whether you consider a complete inability to follow orders aliability. ”

“Silence!” the UD said again as the people on the screens began to murmur to their unseen partners. He spoke to them: “As you can see, they are functional, with a limited, though useful, intelligence.”

“Limited intelligence?” I broke in, outraged. “Bite me! You’re kind of the last person to talk aboutlimitations! At least I can… swim! And fly! And digest by myself!”

“Yeah, or how about this?” the Gasman said, and then he erupted… his new skill. I’d been wondering if he would develop one, and what form it would take. Maybe he’d be able to read minds, like Angel? Flysuperfast, like me? Feel colors, likeIggy? It could have been anything.

But of course it wasn’t.

I swear to you, it was literally a green mushroom cloud. I mean, he’d always had a messed-up digestive system.Gazzy in a small room with you meant you’d soon have tears in your eyes. And I guess most boys hone their ability to let rip on command to a fine, subtle art.

This was in a completely different league.

I saw eyes widen onscreen. The UD turned to see the flock moving rapidly away fromGazzy, who looked as if he were being enveloped in, well, a cloud of noxious gas, colored a sulfurous yellow green. He was grinning. “Ah, that’s better. Better out than in!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” Total said hoarsely, and ran under the conference table.

“Whoa!” I said, gagging. “What have you beeneating? Kryptonite? Nuclear waste?”

“What is that? Who did that? What does this mean?” Voices from the screens mingled together. The UD was looking atGazzy with confusion and anger.

I pressed my hand over my mouth and nose and got as far fromGazzy as the room allowed. Close to the screens, I spoke through my hand, trying not to inhale.

“It really just depends on your definition ofliability, ” I said nasally.

“It’s a new skill!”Gazzy announced, sounding excited.

“Good God,” Nudge muttered, pressing herself against the farthest wall. “Why don’t these windowsopen? ”

“You are theman! ”Iggy said, and he andGazzy slapped high fives. It’s a guy thing.

And that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the auction.

Iggypicked his nose. Fang blended into a dark painting that consisted of paint splatters and drips. Nudge kept up a constant chatter- at one point going on about different colors of nail polish and whether something with glitter was really appropriate for day wear- though you could hardly hear it over the rising wind.

Okay, call me alarmist, but it sounded incredibly bad out there, and a Category 4 hurricane with mandatory evacuation did not seem like a good scene. I’d flown in some pretty intense storms, but if we’d been outside now, we would have been splattered against the building like gnats.

Sure, these windows weresuperstrong, but all the same, the wind was a tad concerning. I motioned to the others to move toward the inside walls, away from the glass.

“Attention!” TheUD’s face was that awful blotchy purple color again. Ugh. “Can we return to the business at hand? There’s a bid on the table of half a billion dollars. Can I hear three-quarters of a billion?”

You know, half a billion dollars just doesn’t go as far as it used to.

“One more thing,” I said to the screens, raising my voice to be heard. “We all have expiration dates. If you buy us, you should know that it’s a limited-time offer. We’re probably single-use mutants, pretty much.”

“A single use might be all that’s required of you,” theUber -Director said silkily, then went back to the bidding.

And that was when thesuperstrong, hurricane-rated,Gozen -bounced-against fancy windows all imploded.